Canada Attacks Cedar Rapids!

CEDAR RAPIDS (May 6) - Canada's antagonism of America has gradually escalated -- from Nickleback to Justin Bieber to Ted Cruz. But what started as an audio and visual threat may now become an actual shooting war. Residents from the Great Northern Menace have invaded Cedar Rapids! They are filling bike paths, sidewalks, ponds, and shitting everywhere (eh-vree-where). We are a peaceful people in the Midwest, but there is only so far we can be pushed.

In the face of such bald-faced aggression, the city of Cedar Rapids is discussing "hunting and slaughtering" this hostile force. There is, many city officials admit, a "chronic overpopulation" of Canadians in the city, and that firearms may be the only way to step things up.

Forget a wall. America needs a gol-dang bio-dome!

The good news, all Canadian meat will be processed by a local food locker and then given to a food pantry.