How Would Jesus Run Iowa?

DES MOINES (June 1) - Iowa's Governor, Terry Branstad, signed a State Proclamation earlier this year (above) encouraging all Iowans, "to read through the Bible on a daily basis each year until the Lord comes" because the Bible is "the beginning and the end of useful information in every area."


This bat-shit-crazy piece of paper makes us wonder if Terry has actually read the Bible. After all, running Iowa based entirely on the Bible may lead to some consequences that we mortals may miss (though God can see coming, obviously!).  

Branstad's friends in the pork industry would be alarmed to learn that Iowa wants to start following Old Testament recommendations that, "the swine, though it divides the hoof ... is unclean to you." 

Our industrial ag industry will be alarmed when we pass God's law declaring that, "You shall not let your cattle breed with a different kind. You shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed," not to mention yours truly will be F'ed by the, "nor shall you wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material."

Are tax incentives for companies to locate to Iowa from another state violating the 10th Commandment ("Though shall not covet")? 

Should we move faster on water quality because God tells us in Numbers that "You shall not pollute the land in which you live ... You shall not defile the land in which you live ... for I the Lord dwell in the midst of the people of Israel.”

Wait, is that just Israel? Can we pollute Iowa all we want?

Man, letting the God run Iowa is harder than we thought! What does the Bible tell us about Sales Tax extension for school construction? What about Oxycontin and other issues involving Opioid over-prescription? The Bible doesn't mention specifics, but when you read John's quote that, "All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made," it makes you wonder if God put Oxy here. I mean, how did it get here without God?

But Wait:

Wait a minute! What's that we hear? It's the Bible-aficionados chiming in with, "But RAYGUN, some of your quotes are Old Testament stuff that Jesus replaced with his arrival (except for maybe the Commandment one). So learn your Bible before putting down the Governor!"

Then we'd say, "What about the Holy Trinity? That God is Jesus and also the Holy Spirit. Doesn't that mean the OT is just as valid as the NT?" 

A response from one Bible-aficionado may be: "Not all Christians believe in the Holy Trinity! Jesus was the son of God, next to God. Not God himself."

Then another Bible-aficionado may retort: "No, no, no, God and Jesus are one, the one true God. But the OT furthers the understanding of the NT. God as Jesus leaves some things in place, but others obsolete."

So we can eat bacon?

And we'd have to wonder: is it possible that the Bible is a loose collection of texts, written hundreds of years ago in the Middle East, that some people can read for general wisdom or inspiration, but for which there is actually no real consensus on their meaning leaving them with little to do in managing a modern state? 

Not to hear Iowa's governor tell it!

The Proclamation goes on to let us know that "lawmakers, law enforcement, social scientists" are using this be-all-to-end-all of information while they search for "solutions to the critical problems facing our nation, such as the drug crisis, violence, and social injustice, all of which can be found within God's revealed will for mankind."

Well, that explains why we've been making so little progress on those issues: the majority of our lawmakers are waiting for God to run the state! 

The Proclamation was intended as a letter of support for a "statewide county courthouse Bible-reading marathon," but instead sounds like like a chain e-mail forwarded to you by an Uncle who has giant, back-lit, cut out-letters spelling B-L-E-S-S-E-D above his massive home theatre. 


The Proclamation has quotes about the Bible from Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan (of course!), and Elias Boudinot (who?). But we better brush up on the Good Book so we know what parts to skip during the marathon -- don't want to offend the corporate sponsors! 

This Proclamation may have also offended the 'Separation of Church and State' that the right's oft-quoted "Bible Loving" Founding Fathers wrote. 

The ACLU and the Freedom From Religion Foundation are considering filing a lawsuit -- thank God. 

And speaking of blasphemy: