The Midwest: Fictional Bad-Ass Capital of the World
A lot of people were surprised by Ron Burgundy's announcement that he hails from the small town of Haggleworth, Iowa (home of the Fightin' Newscasters, who were All-Iowa Curlers and Jazz Flutists in Ron's day). You know who wasn't surprised? RAYGUN. We're not only familiar with the Midwest's long line of fictional bad-asses, we wrote the book on it -- the should-have-been-Nobel-Prize-winning tome, The Midwest: God's Gift to Planet Earth.
Ron's confidence, charm, good looks, and willingness to co-host a Bismark newscast all stem from his deep roots in our homeland. No other region could have sculpted Ron Burgundy. From Superman to Jay Gatsby, the Midwest is a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, then deep-fat-fried and served on a stick at the Iowa State Fair. This delicacy of a region has always been at the Center of America's greatness. Indeed, America's greatest accomplishments are Midwestern accomplishments, and America's greatest real (and fictional) citizens hail from The Big Flyover.
"God is, at heart, a Midwesterner," remarked commentator and Midwesterner, George Will.
So there you have it. Not only is the Midwest God's greatest handiwork, but you shouldn't by surprised if you ever meet him and hear, "Hi there, the name's Yahweh, the hometown's Sheboygan! Boy, it sure is great to meet ya!"
"But how did God create the land that he was born in?" you may ask.
It's called faith! Leave the question asking to us!
TOP 12 MYSTERIOUS MIDWESTERNERS:
1) SUPERMAN (Smallville, Kansas): Where else is the ultimate American ideal going to be from? Florida? Yeah fucking right. That cape would get him shot.
2) JAY GATSBY (small town, North Dakota): Gatsby grows up poor as James Gatz during the 1800s, then chases love to New York and redefines himself as a rich playboy before being destroyed by the rampant greed, murderous carelessness, and selfishness that is just another day out East.
3) DON DRAPER (small town, Illinois): Like Gatsby, Don heads to New York and lets his Midwestern charm lead the way on a decades-long sexcapade across the Tri-state region.
4) JASON BOURNE (Nixa, Missouri): Not even Treadstone could destroy all the Midwestern goodness in Bourne. He refuses to kill women and children, then kicks government ass and takes names. Where you going now that you've won, Jason? Branson, baby!
5) RON BURGUNDY (Hagglesworth, Iowa): Lover of curling, jazz flute, and San Diego's German history.
6) EDWARD CULLEN (Chicago, Illinois): Before he started sparkling in daylight, Edward was just another handsome lad in danger dying from the early 20th Century outbreak of Spanish Flu. Now he's eternally trapped in one of America's poorest written trilogies.
7) JACK DAWSON (Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin): The self-proclaimed "King of the World" heads from the Midwest to Europe, but can't handle a little chilly water in the North Atlantic. Pussy. He must have moved to Wisconsin from Portland, Oregon.
8) KATE AUSTEN (Ames, Iowa): This lady with a fishy past finds herself lost on an island with a couple other people, and also lost in a lot of nerdy dude fantasies.
9) BENJAMIN WILLARD (Toledo, Ohio): When Colonel Walter Kurtz goes Sarah Palin and runs his own operation in Cambodia during the Vietnam War, the government sends Willard. He finds Kurtz and kills him with Midwestern style ... and a machete.
10) THOMAS "MAGNUM PI" MAGNUM (Detroit, Michigan): Taking America's only island state on one hell of a mustache ride.
11) AXEL FOLEY (Detroit, Michigan): When California needs crimes solved, they call in real cops.
12) GEORGE TAYLOR (Fort Wayne, Indiana): This courageous astronaut travels to find he is not only on a planet ruled by apes, but that planet is Earth in the future (what?! dun dun dun!). But if someone has to find out that those damned dirty apes blew up the Statue of Liberty, it really should be a guy from Indiana.
honorable mention:
1) GOD (Sheboygan, Wisconsin): 7 days of magic, but what's he done for us lately?
2) JESUS CHRIST (Kirksville, Missouri): JK!
3) JAMES T KIRK (Riverside, Iowa): He is a fearless space-explorer, but he hasn't been born yet, so that kind of takes him out of the running.