The phrase "raucous Jefferson City nightlife" was not something we ever expected to hear un-ironically, but that's how the St Louis Post-Dispatch summed up the capital city's hard partying that included a lobbyist's bar tab for 21 Red Bull and Vodkas (split between only 2 people!) and an affair between former Missouri House speaker John Diehl and Brittany Burke, consultant to Governor Jay Nixon. Added to this sugar-infused-caffeine-booze-fuck-fest are the revelations that the St Louis Cardinals hacked into the computer system of the Houston Astros and alleged voter manipulations for the Kanas City Royals in the up-coming MLB All-Star game.
No!!!!!!!! Missouri was once considered our nation's most not-too-bad-of-a-place state with fireworks, cheap cigarettes, and 190-proof everclear. You know, God's country. But is it becoming a moral-less morass of sexting and guessing passwords?
John Diehl resigned from his post in Missouri earlier this year after his flirtatious texts with an intern came to light. But now a Jefferson City Police report discloses that former gubernatorial aide Brittany Burke had an affair with Diehl. The report was made in April: Burke and another lobbyist started their night with 21 Red Bull and Vodkas, Burke at some point blacks out but texts a representative that she was "hurt," this rep drives around looking for her, Diehl says she ends up at his apartment at 2AM, he tries to get her to leave, "finally succeeding" at 5:15 AM.
Now, this kind of behavior may be okay in a known-for-raging metropolis like Jefferson City, but when added to the accusations that the St Louis Cardinals hacked the Houston Astros, you ask 2 things: 1) who would want to hack the Houston Astros? that's like China spending time to hack Finland; and 2) what is this, Boston?
From the outside, one may think the impeccable pioneers of "The Cardinal Way" have been misled by someone like Bill Belichick. Or Edward Snowden? FBI reports point to the Cardinals' "analytics department" guessing the Astros passwords to see what their General Manager (a former Cardinal) was up to.
How often would the manager scratch himself during the game?! What would his facial expression be as he stared out across the field?!
The St Louis Post-Dispatch calls it the work of "two low-level employees" whose actions may have "placed a proud franchise under federal scrutiny." Proud franchise, huh? Yeah, it's hard to think of another Cardinal employee what has tarnished the teams reputation.
Without politicians and professional baseball players, who's left to believe in?!?!?
Though you can rest assured that although all may seem lost, the MLB thoroughly investigated those MLB All-Star votes you hopefully didn't care about, and determined the votes for the Royals are legit. #godsteam