Land of the Free, Home of the Tased: UPDATE!

Well, if you love the cry-baby-fication of America, you will applaud the news that my hometown of Van Meter (population 1,104), Iowa has essentially canceled it's fundraiser where you could win a chance to use a Taser on a city official. Due to "possible dangers," you can now win a chance to Taser an inanimate object. Not even a living non-human, like a puppy? Fuck that. I want a refund. 

Safety concerns? No way, Van Meter caved to public pressure. The media in this country is entirely owned by Gay-Liberal-Commie-Jews-From-Europe and hates American values. Except for Fox News, which is owned by an American who loves America

Midwestern small towns like Van Meter in the media crosshairs, because no one exemplifies American values more than Midwestern small towns. There are a few facts about Midwestern small towns:

1) The people in small towns are law-abiding citizens. They respect the rule of law above all else, and they love America. 

2) The people in small towns are live-and-let-live type of people. They are not like the coastal "elites" telling you how big your pop can be, or even that your pop should be called soda. 

3) They Taser city officials. 

But this summer, it looks like we're losing the war with the media to maintain these values. In Albert Lea, Minnesota, a local fire fighter showed his love for this country by flying the Virginia Battle Flag from the back of his fire truck during the 4th of July Parade. Like so many great patriots before him, including Jefferson Davis and George Wallace, Brian Nielsen was just, "sick of the politically correctness, because they are trying to change too much in the United States."

Also, his Middle-Finger-Swastika flag was in the wash. 

If there is one group that definitely did not want to "change too much" in the United States, it is the Confederate States that tried to leave the United States and form a separate country. 

That was back in the good ol' days, when men were men, black people could be owned by white people, and women couldn't do shit without a guy's say so. You could also hit kids. And die from now-curable diseases. 

Albert Lea backed down. Randy Kehr, Chamber of Commerce head and total un-American pussy, said that he thought a confederate flag flying during the 4th of July parade on a fire truck was "a really unfortunate choice." 

That's just, like, your opinion, man.

But if you thought the War on America would end with just 1 flag, think again! About a week after the Battle of Albert Lea, Dent County, Missouri, which is apparently a place, was also under attack. Local officials showed their respect for our Constitutionally-established Supreme Court by voting to fly their Courthouse flag at half-staff for an entire year in protest of the court's gay marriage ruling. 

U-S-A! U-S-A!

I wept with joy when I saw that kind of patriotism. "This is what the founding fathers would have wanted," I said to my kids. Then my kids asked me for an iPhone.

But once word of Dent County got to the Gay-Liberal-Commie-Jews-From-Europe media, they pounced! The Kansas City Star (this country's least American newspaper) reported that, "After less than 24 hours of looking like dummies ... Dent County official appear ready to make a sane decision."

Voting to fly it for a whole year and then only flying it for a day? No wonder kids are deciding to be gay in droves, straight people are apparently just a bunch of fucking quitters. 

And the final nail in the coffin might be with Van Meter. No more Tasers on city officials? You've got to be kidding me. The Taser is as American John Cougar-Mellancamp, Type-2 Diabetes, and handgun murders

One of our founding fathers, Ben Franklin, was the first to Tase himself. As American kids in this country used to know, Ben Franklin harnessed the power of lightning one night during a Metallica concert.

He, George Washington, Jesus, and Moses had just walked to America from Israel (across a parted Atlantic Ocean). They arrived on this continent to defeat Darth Vadar and his English forces, creating the freest nation in the world that allowed slavery. 

After that conflict (now called World War II), Jesus and Moses went up to heaven, Ben Franklin built the Empire State Building, and George Washington died in southern Maryland. Luckily for future generations, he died on his back with a hard-on, which the locals surrounded with stone to make the Washington Monument. Yup, the Washington Monument is just GW's embalmed hard-on surrounded by stone. His wiener, when erect, was over 555 feet. Thus the City was called Washington Dick Country, or Washington DC for short.

This used to be a great country.

But while Midwestern small towns have given up, one man gives me hope: Kid Rock. When people told him to stop flying the Confederate Flag during his shows, he told them to, "Kiss my ass."

Kid Rock was also recently not allowed to play a show at a women's prison


Maybe Van Meter should grow a pair and make Kid Rock it's mayor. He could fly the Confederate flag outside city hall to promote personal freedom, but also fly it at half-staff to protest personal freedom.