From 2015: If My 3 Little Kids Reviewed Family Dinners...

When it comes to parenting, the most miserable activities are often given the greatest importance. Case-in-point: family dinners. The Washington Post calls family dinners, "The most important thing you can do with your kids." It is one of the myriad of places that family dinners are exalted above all else. A societal foundation! But for my wife and I, family dinners feel less like the bed-rock of society, and more like we are the only staff in a 24-hour restaurant that specializes in serving small, angry, schizophrenic sociopaths.  

There are occasional glimmers of normalcy at our dinners. But those are only seasoning for a main smorgasbord of irrationality. The only thing missing are my kids' reviews of family dinner. I've imagined them here. My wife and I will probably share our dinner-time reviews with a mental health counselor in the future:  


(11 July 2016) I told the chef that the broccoli smelled like a butt, and then a fellow patron across the table said to me: "YOU smell like a butt." Neither the chef or waiter started hitting that man, so I had to take matters into my own hands. I got out of my chair and told him that he was a "Dumb jerk and nobody liked him!" A chase ensued, I threw a book at him, he pushed me into the cabinet, then I spent 15 minutes crying .... But the yogurt with granola for dessert was great!!


(11 July 2016) The food is fine, but the other patrons cannot take a joke. I made one joke and some guy assaulted me (ASSAULTED!) with a book. I pushed him in self-defense. And all the staff said was, "Let's just calm down and have some yogurt with granola for dessert." WTF?! I've told them that granola makes my stomach hurt!!! 


(11 July 2016) This place is great! One guy threw a book at another guy and I laughed!! 


(12 July 2016) "How was your day?" is about the only thing the staff here says. How was my day? None of your business! ... When can I get an iPhone? .... Well, what about just a Nintendo DS2? Or a Kindle Fire? Those aren't very expensive.... 


(12 July 2016) Day 3 of my hunger strike. The staff here is really starting to crack. They implored me to eat my food ("any food") in a way that has moved from sweet and endearing to very depressing. It gave this place a depressing atmosphere. 


(12 July 2016) The name of this place should be: "Just Please Eat Your Food," because that's all the staff says around here. I was trying to pour my glass of water in my stir fry, and the waiter stopped me and said, "Just Please Eat Your Dinner" for, like, the thousandth time. YOU please eat your dinner! ..... Then I remembered I wanted to show the chef my new Lego set. Where is my Lego set?!?! Harry, did you steal my Lego set!?! You stupid dumb IDIOT!!! 


(13 July 2016) I have been forced to eat at this establishment dozens of times. The price is right. I have told them that I HATE spicy food. The staff can be unusually dense, though, and so when I was served Barbecue chicken, I had to ask, "This Barbecue sauce isn't spicy right?" The staff assured me that it was "tangy" and definitely not "spicy." .... Well, after I had drank about A GALLON of water trying to put the fire in my mouth out, I told those dumb-shits EXACTLY what I thought about their spicy-vs-tangy semantics. WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST MAKE REGULAR CHICKEN?!?!


(14 July 2016) I love this place! This place makes THE BEST grilled cheese. I love grilled cheese and could eat it every night! 


(15 July 2016) What is THIS?! Grilled cheese?! I don't WANT GRILLED CHEESE! This smells like garbage! It looks burned on this side! 


(18 July 2016) The potatoes look great, nice and steamy! Let me take a nice big-- IT'S HOT! THIS FOOD IS TOO HOT TO EAT!!! OUCH! WTF ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO?! BURN MY TOUNGE OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?! Hey, waiter, blow on this! Blow on it! Hurry!! ............ Good, okay. Now let me try this again ........ IT'S STILL TOO HOT! YOU DUMB SHIT!! WHAT KIND OF BLOWING WAS THAT??!?! .... What are you doing? .... Getting an ice cube to put in the potatoes? Good thinking. ........ Look at that ice melt! Boy, this is sure a fun dinner! Melt, melt, melt ....... Okay, let me take another taste. I bet-- IT'S TOO COLD AND WET NOW!


(18 July 2016) The food was fine, though it was difficult to get the staff's attention. They were blowing on a fellow patron's food, and then put an ice cube on that man's mashed potatoes, which seemed EXTREMELY unprofessional. The man started crying after the ice cube and I could see why: who want's an ice cube on their mashed potatoes? #TryingToHard #EpicFail


(18 July 2016) They let me eat my food off the floor! While another patron was crying hysterically, I asked the waiter, "Can I eat my food off the floor?" And he just kind looked dejected (almost vacant, you could say), and he said, "Whatever. Sure." It was great! I will DEFINITELY be back! 


(19 July 2016) The rice was great! I stuck it on my penis and it stayed there! It made my penis look like a fuzzy sheep. Baaaaaaaa! Sheep-penis says, "baaaaaaaa."