When we heard that Iowa was giving $200 million in incentives to "Apple," we thought it must be a local fruit company in need of assistance. Surely it wasn't the technology company. Because THAT Apple not only has annual revenue over over $215 billion, but that Apple recently reported having nearly $256 billion in CASH ON HAND.
Wowzers! $256 billion! We mean, if 1 apple were $1 billion, Apple would have 256 apples. Talk about staying regular! But Iowa's $200 million would be a paltry 20%-of-1-apple. 0.2 of an apple? Wump wump wump.
Look at that tiny little 20%-of-1-apple apple. Why would Apple, with their big-ol' 21.3 dozen apple cart even want our scraps?
Maybe the State of Iowa has even MORE apples than Apple! Maybe our fruit cart is so overflowing, that it will capsize due to excess capacity, so we need to shed a few or risk losing the whole thing. 20%-of-1-apple is probably nothing to our mighty home state.
Oh, wait ... Iowa's total tax collections for last year were roughly $9.5 billion? A year's worth of tax collection for Iowa is worth only 3.7% of Apple's cash on hand. Wowzers.
Surely our annual spending, with all the state and federal bells and whistles stacks up!
Oh no, another swing and a miss! All of the tax money Iowa brings in, all of the Federal tax money we get, literally everything Iowa spends money in a year, doesn't even get to 10% of Apple's cash on hand.
Though Apple has committed a lot of its cash on hand to stock buy-backs (rumored to be some of the largest in history), Apple could use that money to ENTIRELY FUND Iowa for over 11.5 YEARS.
With only 9.5 apples worth of year tax collection, with a budget shortfall of 0.1 apples, why would Iowa offer 0.2 of an a Apple to someone with 256 apples? Why would someone with 256 apples want 0.2 of our apple?
Apparently, Iowa's apples must be insanely fucking delicious. Or Iowa's fruit stand operator is not so good at math.