DES MOINES (March 2) - Donald in 'Happy Gilmore' was the last person we heard talk about Sizzler ... until the Iowa Legislature got back in session! NBC noticed that Ottumwa Senator Mark Chelgren was claiming, on his state web page, to have a "Degree in Business Management" from "Forbco" -- a Sizzler franchisee.
Chelgren is a local hero in Iowa, ever since the "Battle of the Rose Bowl Half-Time Show" when he bravely fought the Stanford Marching Band. His selfless courage was an inspiration to Iowa -- nay -- PLANET EARTH.
And he "accomplished" this while overcoming personal adversity: a rare genetic condition where he was born with fuzzy pink balls instead of testicles. It's called Mark Chelgren Syndrome.
This year, his Pink Fuzzies are swinging into action again with proposed laws to balance the political affiliations of professors at State Universities. It comes from his own experience with the vast-liberal-agenda that has oppressed thousands of impressionable minds ... at Sizzler.
Sizzler University! The implications are wide ranging!
If Mark flips through a couple PowerPoint Slides while enjoying the Double Mega Bacon Burger, does that count as continuing education credit?
Can the proposed Education Savings Accounts be used for appetizers, or just entres? What about the small plates?
Education: it's what's for dinner!
Say Sizzler U wants to avoid too much education oversight, under the proposed law to diminish inspections for Private Schools with "Bona Fide" religious affiliation, can Sizzler just put out the King James Bible and call it good? Book of Mormon? Koran? (<< JK!!!! ha ha ha ... Koran. Oh man.)
If Iowa eventually passes the bill to remove license requirements for therapists and barbers, etc etc, can Sizzler U diversify its income stream by offering to cut your hair during dessert?
Under Iowa's proposed Personhood Amendment, do fetuses eat free on Tuesdays?
Iowa! We don't need education for our foundation any more, because we're chopping it up, grilling it, and having Mark Chelgren serve it to you with his new "Assistant Manager" name tag!