No Fair?

With State Fairs around the country being cancelled, don't go crying into your funnel cake and hugging your turkey leg, GET PLANNING! With just a few simple items and some planning, you can have a Fair-At-Home this year! 

To set the mood, you're gonna need the perfect amount of humidity. You know the humidity is "just right" when you're sweating in the shade and saying things like, "We're gonna need more Gold Bond!" We suggest turning off the AC and cranking up the humidifier to 11. 

Next you'll need to get the look right. For this, you'll just need a pair of scissors and your most Un-PC shirt (that "Co-Ed Naked Softball" shirt you've had since 1994 will be good). Go ahead and remove the sleeves of your shirt then give yourself a haircut. No mirror needed. And just do the sides. 

Start your day with some butter art. Now, carving butter is harder than it looks, so set your sights a little lower. Maybe not a butter cow, but a butter wall, or butter pyramid, or maybe a butter Stonehenge? 

Then it's time for activities! Grab a chainsaw (or electric carving knife) and turn some spare wood into a soaring eagle. You're gonna want safety glasses for this, and have the kids stand back. If possible, put a chainlink fence cage around yourself. 

Swing through the animal barns and take in the prize-worth livestock. Your cat will suffice. Just put it on a leash, parade it through the living room, inspect its haunches and teeth, then AWARD THAT BLUE RIBBON! 

Wow, what a day we're having! 

Time for lunch! You'll need sticks and whatever you have in your fridge or pantry. Go ahead, put it all on sticks, that's the fun! Bread, bagels, eggs, yogurt, loose meat, cereal, a giant pile of sugar, it doesn't really matter, it's always more fun on a stick. 

And if it drips all over your hands, you can spend 15 minutes wandering around saying, "Now where can I wash this off?"

Once you've washed your hands, sell yourself a bottle of water for $12 and go, "The prices here really are ridiculous." 

With that belly full, it's time for The Midway! Just spin in a swivel chair for 20 minutes. When you can taste vomit in the back of your mouth, the ride is over. Then, stumble to a bathtub where friend or loved one can shout insults at you. You, in turn, can throw baseballs at them until they fall into the water. 

With the day winding down, you can check out the "Farm Implements." For this, you'll need to just put all your lawn equipment in your front yard. Take the kids and say things like, "Look at the size of those tires!" 

A nice touch would be if your neighbor could walk over and pretend to hard-sell you on a hot tub or metal out-building. "We've got a great deal on these metal out-buildings. Only this week. We're talking a FRACTION of what a standard building costs." 

With your stomach still full to the point of discomfort, you know it's time for dessert. A 5-gallon bucket and ton of cookies are about all you'll need for that Fair experience. 

As you munch on Chips A'Hoy, you can watch the sunset to the sounds of REO Speedwagon, Tone Loc, and Uncle Kracker. You'll be able to almost hear your Spotify AI software say, "What in the F is going on here? All this music on one playlist?"

At some point during REO, you can comment, "Boy, these guys sound great for being so old," and then notice, "Oh, wait, only the bass player is original. I paid $75 for this?"