I've noticed Charles Grassley's been getting cranky. Last year he refused to hold judicial hearings on Obama's Supreme Court nominee. This year he's engineering the coronation of his grandson and also voting for the the Graham-Cassidy bill despite it's "substance." As he told The Register's Jason Noble: "I could maybe give you 10 reasons why this bill shouldn't be considered. But [we] campaigned on this so often ... That's pretty much as much of a reason as the substance of the bill."
Substance: pffffff! Grassley's like the figure-skating-judge-of-Senators, he wants to see substance OR style, apparently. He wants a bad bill, WITH FLARE. This one can't skate, but it's got REPEAL & REPLACE (!) in bedazzled letters across a matador-inspired blazer!
Some say Chuck has been in office too long, and is replacing thoughtful legislation with stubborn partisanship. But I think what Chuck may need is a good nap. Heck, it happens to the best of us -- even me! Just the other day, I wasn't at the top of my game, and Taylor and Jen really noticed. Let me re-enact it here with the help of RAYGUN THEATRE:
*Open scene up on the mezzanine, with MIKE, JEN, and TAYLOR discussing new designs.
JEN: So we said that we'd have a shirt about puppies out by tomorrow. What--
MIKE: Let's just do my idea! I said it yesterday. Why didn't we do it yet?
JEN: Your idea? The kicking one?
MIKE: Yes, "Kick a Puppy!" It's a shirt about puppies isn't it?! Look, the art is already done:
JEN: It doesn't even look like our--
MIKE: It's got "Puppy" right on there. Shirt about puppies. Done! Now print it and put it out on the floor and online. Move it! Next?!
TAYLOR: I'm not sure we want to encourage kicking puppies, especially indiscriminately.
MIKE: Am I talking to a brick wall here?! It's not about the SUBSTANCE! It's about the PROMISE. We promised a shirt about puppies. So here's a shirt. Does it have some issues? Yes? The biggest issue is that it's a bad shirt. It's a bad slogan, no one will buy it, it does nothing to help the company, in fact, it will probably hurt our company in many ways. But it is a PROMISE FILLED, and i think people will appreciate that. So, moving on...
JEN: Okay, so--
MIKE: And I want my son to be the vice president of the company. He's a great kid and darn it, I think you guys owe it to me, I've been here a long time.
TAYLOR: But your son is only 8.
MIKE: Not HIM, the other one.
JEN: The other one is only 6
MIKE: Yeah, so, he's a good boy. Real earnest. Sharp. Can read at-or-above grade level. Likes kickball. Heck, he hasn't peed his pants in weeks, and he's got my same last name. So I want that done too.
TAYLOR: Mike, are you feeling okay?
MIKE: Feeling okay? I'm a goddam machine! 100%! I use Twitter and jog don't I? Is this a t-shirt shop or the Spanish Inquisition?! My name's MIKE, I run store good, I make rules! Get it?!
JEN (looks at Taylor seriously, who looks back at Jen as if to say, "We need to tell him." She turns to Mike.): Mike, you may need ... a nap.
MIKE flashes a look of rage.
TAYLOR: That's right, Mike. Sometimes if you get too tired and cranky, you start making irrational statements and proclamations. Bad business decisions.
MIKE breaks down crying, JEN and TAYLOR move in for a group hug with MIKE. SETH sees the hug and jogs over to join, but JEN pushes him away with one arm and says, "Get off us, Nosbusch."
MIKE (wiping away his tears): You guys are both so right. So right. I'm gonna take a nap and then come back a changed, more thoughtful man.
THE END. Happily Ever After.
You see?! All I needed was a nap! So Chuck, maybe lay down for a minute, take a breather, and then come back when your ready to make some decisions that actually help the people you were elected to serve.
Either way, Chuck gets paid. Reminds of this old children's book we like...