As a newly employed yoga teacher in Des Moines, I’ve set one goal for myself; send as many people to Hell as I can through my classes.
While most people are unaware that yoga is “an occasion of serious sin,” Bishop Fabian W. Bruskewitz, of Lincoln, Nebraska, has caught on to my plan in which I turn each of my students into Satan’s Warrior 2. He points out that yoga derives from the Hindu religion, and that it is impossible to separate the two, regardless of how many Lady Gaga songs or sets of push-ups you incorporate into your class.
In order to save as many people as possible from this sweat covered sin, Bruskewitz, the head honcho of the Lincoln area’s Catholic Diocese for the past 20 years, has called for Catholics and those of non-Hindi faith to abstain from yoga.
Bishop Bruskewitz suggests that people find an alternate way to burn off all of that sacramental bread, as physical exercise itself is “morally neutral,” just no aerobics that “strengthen and expand human consciousness and rational and mind level…” sorry prancercise, you’re out.
Keep up this heathenish form of exercise, and you’ll for sure be on your way to Hell, where I hear it’s 105° and you have to hold chair pose for eternity.
Ideas we didn't use:
Yoga: Not for Catholics
Yoga: An Occasion of Serious Sin
Yoga: Down Dogging my Way To Hell
Yoga: Satan’s Warrior 2
Lincoln, NE: Where exercise is morally neutral
Yoga: Fancy stretching.
Yoga: I’m just here for the loose guys
Yoga: Is that my neighbor’s organic deodorant or my unwashed mat?
Yoga: Face down, ass up.
Yoga: I’m here for the spiritualism … and to look good in a bathing suit