There is nothing more disgusting than the lady nipple. This obscene scourge of our great nation has ruined many wholesome events, from the Super Bowl to the most recent VMA's. But the Springfield, Missouri City Council knows that even if you don't have a TV, the lady nipple may poke through a loop-hole: lax obscenity laws.
The horror!! The repulsiveness!!
On any given day, in broad daylight, your visual senses may be assaulted by the female form. Better start walking the dog with a baggie for the dog's shit and a container for your own vomit (should you encounter an areola).
Springfield City Councilman, and American hero, Justin Burnett proposed a "Nipple Law," a measure to strengthen the city's indecent exposure ordinance.
Local resident Jennifer Wilken spoke in support of the law because she was, "shocked to find Springfield's current indecent exposure law allows women to go topless in public with just a piece of tape covering their nipples. ... How can we promote our town as family-friendly and allow this type of behavior?"
Exactly! Springfield, Missouri is a "family-friendly" community where roughly 30% of children go to bed hungry and where local doctors quickly run out of buprenorphine, a medication for opioid addiction, because the rate of heroin use in Southern Missouri is so high.
But hunger and heroin are issues that resolve themselves. Nipples are a much more formidable foe.
Oh, sorry, lady nipples.
Even the most disgusting man can have his nipples out in public and on TV.
Those nipples pose no danger. Just the wacko they're connected to.
"Why is this law gender biased?" asked Springfield resident, and hippie-cry-baby, Jessica Lawson. "Is the word female a typo, or is this bill intentionally discriminating against one specific gender?"
Then, of course, some bitch brings up breast-feeding. Katie Webb told the council that she breastfed her children, and for them seeing bare breasts, "wasn't this earth-shattering event."
And this is the direction America is heading: the blurring of lines between what is proper and improper when it comes to ladies. There was a time when this great nation knew right from wrong, enslaved a portion of the population, and recognized that the female form is perfectly acceptable in some instances.
You could call a female subordinate "sweet tits" or "sugar" or compliment her "nice rack" without her getting all bent out of shape. You could inform a female intern about the fact that "what your wife and children don't know won't hurt them" (wink wink, nudge nudge).
But now something like that will get you forced out office, which happened to Missouri Democrat Paul LeVota!
In the good old days, women could express themselves knowing that they would receive sexual attention from just about any swinging dick regardless of if it was warranted or not. Now women are sending mixed signals to men. Sometimes they're interested in men, sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're just dancing! Or just wearing a tank top because it's hot. Or maybe they're just wearing tape on their nipples because this is a free country, it doesn't hurt anyone, and so who really gives a fuck?
And not only are our children in jeopardy, but those poor men! Those ruined lives! There is no where to turn. Fox News may be the last bastion of conservative morality in this world.
Confusion abounds! Our nation's men should be dedicating brainpower to manly stuff, like work, avoiding changing baby diapers, watching TV, and thinking about which minority to blame for complex societal issues.
But now their heads swirl with questions:
Q: "Does that girl want sexual attention? She must if she's in a public place. But ... hmmm ... maybe she just happens to be here, in this office building, for something other than looking for sex?"
Q: "What's with that lady's skirt and low neckline? Does she want me to stand too close to her and make small talk, or is she just about to deliver a diatribe against socialized medicine on a 24-hour news network?"
Q: "I'm married with kids, but I can still have sex with a college intern who works for me, right?"
Q: "Should I take a photo of my flaccid penis and send it to someone?"
Those questions are nearly unanswerable! Like Taoist riddles!
At RAYGUN, we've stepped in to help. With the power of words on t-shirts, we really spell it out for others. Complex issues like sex, love, and workplace harassment are boiled down to a few characters from the Latin alphabet.
For the time being, these shirts will have to suffice, since there is no way to expect society to recognize that women can dress and express themselves however they want. The perceived "signal" they're sending is not the woman's issue, but rather of the person who is perceiving that "signal."