Football season has arrived again! Plus baseball season is heading toward October, Major League Soccer is currently operational, there might be a sport that women play going on, and so this is the perfect time to celebrate our country's most valuable natural resource: professional athletes!
I learned from NPR this morning that 26% of our children become professional athletes, and so it is important to start them young, specialize them in one sport, focus most of my attention on them, then wait for the big pay-day in the future (not to mention a new house!!!).
I also learned from NPR this morning that a lone clerk in Kentucky, with nothing but an irrational dream and belief in Jesus, was able to single-handedly overturn gay marriage in America and that Obama is personally delivering nuclear weapons to Iran.
I may not hear all the details, but I get the gist.
And I know what I know: sports are fucking important.
In this day-and-age, sports are more important than ever. You may have noticed the pussification of America going on. I mean, when was the last time we had a truly World War? Yup, it's been at least 20 years. 20 years without fighting Nazis.
Men aren't tough any more. They're helping out at home with kids they helped produce, they're resolving more problems through non-violent means. Talk about ass-backwards. You want to teach your kids to respect others and listen? Well then hit 'em!
Jim Harbaugh recently dropped a bombshell on America in an interview with Bryant Gumble: "I think [football] is the last bastion of hope for toughness in America, in men, in males."
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit ....... last hope for men and males?
I didn't appreciate the gravity of the situation.
26% of our kids becoming well-rounded citizens (AKA: professional athletes) isn't enough! These men are our leaders, our inspiration, and are also our men and males. Some of our most celebrated pedophiles, cheaters, liars, and murderers are professional athletes. They play for the love of the game, not money! You didn't hear Rudy talking about "big money" like cry-baby Wall Street types. Those kids in Hoosiers: they were playing for free!
Sports teams give and give and give and ask for nothing in return, except for maybe a little, brand new, multi-million-dollar stadium every few years, paid for by local tax-papers. Go tax money, go!!
We need to get balls into the hands of American men now. If you don't have a ball or two in your hands right now, you need to grab some!
I'm an athletic supporter. That's for damn sure!
We at RAYGUN celebrate athletic supporters! It doesn't matter what sport, as long as it's football, baseball, maybe basketball, and possibly ice hockey (depending on what part of Canada you live in).
Are you an athletic supporter, too?! You love handling balls? You want to wrap up some tough men and males?
Have the courage to say, "Go!" and "Beat the other Team!" and "Run Faster!" and "Yes!" and "I've got money on this game you mother fuckers!" and "My kid is really good at sports, I mean really good, I've even knick-named him Little Legend."