This Guy ...

Most of us at RAYGUN are from Iowa, live in Iowa, and not even we know how Steve King happened! Granted, he's in northwest Iowa, which is pretty much Nebraska, but Steve King is almost too crazy for Nebraska. 

King was back in the headlines for suggesting Kentucky resident, and total dip-shit, Kim Davis deserved the Rosa Parks Award for her "fight" against legal gay marriage. 

Yeah, Kim Davis is kinda like Rosa Parks, except the exact opposite. Rosa Parks was fighting for increased equality, while Kim Davis fights for decreased equality. So maybe, as Yah Hello suggested, Kim Davis could be up for the "Rosa Parks's Bus Driver Award."

Before this, King said he was against acts to benefit the "dreamers" because, "For every 1 that's a valedictorian, there's another 100 out there that they weigh 130 pounds and they've got calves the size of cantaloupes because they're hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert."

75 pounds of marijuana! Even if you're not familiar with pot, King is from farm country and should know that 75 pounds of any dried plant is a lot of cubic volume. How are those kids going unnoticed crossing the boarder with something the size of a Kia Rio strapped to their back?!

But King has never let reality get between him and his opinions. 

In a bizarre discussion of why he was not for stricter laws against dog fighting, King suggested that it in America you could kidnap and rape and 13-year-old girl, take her across the boarder for a forced abortion, and then "drop her off at the swingset….and that’s not against the law in the United States of America.”

This comment was met with legitimate surprise by the normally unflappable Stephen Colbert. "What?! That's not against the law?! Why not?! Maybe Congressman King should do something about that!"   

A poet when it comes to his defense of the unborn, King also once said, “You cannot take a chance with life anymore than you can shoot a gun into a crowded room and take a chance that you might not kill somebody. You cannot guess about when life begins."

Beautiful. That is Robert Frost, no?

But he can also get down the heart of a situation like few men can. He once recalled that, “we just asked them, under oath, 'are you a vegetarian?' And they confessed they were vegetarians, all of them. Well there they are with an agenda for our diets…I eat recycled, concentrated, enhanced vegetables in the form of meat.”

Check. Mate, anti-big-ag-wackos!

King recently set his sights and his can-do, Iowa spirit on the US-Mexican border. On the floor of the House he assembled, right there, a wall that we could put on the boarder between the US and Mexico.   

Problem solved! A couple more hours and we've got this thing licked.

Wait a minute ... what is this? A wall for ants?! To stop uh-legals, the wall is going to need to be .... at least .... three times higher than this!

The ins and outs of King's wall are pretty complicated. Much too complicated for the lay-person. He tried to keep the materials easy. Not to mention humane: "We could also electrify this wire with the kind of current that would not kill somebody, but it would simply be a discouragement for them to be fooling around with it. We do that with livestock all the time."

How do we come up with the money for this wall? How do we gain support of the Texas lobby that is actually against the wall because it would seal off ranchers from the Rio Grande River? What's the solution to the majority of illegal immigrants who bypass the southern boarder all together by flying into this country?

King's answers (we assume): Magic, that's how!!!

That must be Steve King's appeal. A sort of, child-like fascination with the impossible. Coupled with the casual rage and bigotry that can only come with age. 

Carter Allen suggested maybe we should channel that inner child and bring out the future bigot all at the same time, with a line of toys inspired by Steve King. 

But in lieu of kids' toys, and in lieu of a 25,000-word blog post that would really address all of the embarrassing things Steve King has said, all we can offer is an apology in shirt form. America, we don't know how he happened, and we're doing our best to stop him! Sorry!