Our New Genitalia Inspections Are Really Slowing Down the Bathroom Line
The new "Bathroom Law" out of North Carolina made us realize that we have spent surprisingly little time thinking about each others' genitalia. Here we were, going about our business like normal humans -- keeping our eyes on our own work, using the bathroom.
And now we look like idiots! That room we thought was for peeing and the other-type-of-going-to-the-bathroom was a death trap! At any minute, someone who is slightly different from us could have done .... hmmm ...... what were they going to do again? Kidnap us? Turn us gay? Pee on us?
So we're following the example of elected officials and spending a lot more time with other people's genitalia. We've appointed a "Genitalia Inspector" to 1) classify the types of genitalia and 2) inspect genitalia before bathroom entry. This job is not as easy as it looks! Genitalia is not as cut-and-dry as you think, so how do we classify it?
Now at RAYGUN, we will have no fewer than EIGHT bathrooms. Three of them will be specifically dedicated to penis size, from smallest to largest. Two of them will be dedicated to people with bathroom-related conditions like constipation or diarrhea, and the other three will cover varying degrees of vulvas.
Instead of the TSA we'll have the GSA. "Please remove your belts and have valid genitalia prepared for inspection! If you have a scrotum, it must be by itself on a tray!"
This will be way easier than just minding our own fucking business and letting people live their live's in peace. But to speed up the process, we've asked customers and employees to not wear underwear in the store.