Assholes Talking 'Bout Files and Stuff!
The Russians were found hacking into the DNC's opposition-files on Donald Trump. We imagine the phone call that followed between two best buddies. Some chit chat about the files, golf, shirtless horseback rides, taking dumps on solid gold toilets, and:
DT: "VP, I've always loved the way you totally bombed the shit outa Chechnya. I mean, you really bombed them. Carpet bombed whole cities, violating any number of international laws on civilian casualties. It was beautiful! You don't fuck around. And you haven't had a single issue with them since?"
VP: "Actually, there have been dozens of attacks over the years, and Chechnya is a hotbed of resentment and terrorism."
DT: "Love it! Problem 100% solved. And when ISIS blew up that Russian plane over Egypt, what did you do?"
VP: "An air campaign in Syria that largely failed after we were undercut by Assad, so we pulled out."
DT: "That's right! You fucking wiped ISIS out! And now Syria is fixed! Guys like me and you, we GET THINGS DONE. Russia's rich, I bet. Are you Rich?"
VP: "Well, oil had, for years, been helping to prop up a poorly run, corrupt system, and now with oil prices down, we are really struggling to maintain. Unrest is rising."
DT: "Those Olympics were great. Love you!"