BREAKING NEWS: RAYGUN Is Moving to Mexico! Or Canada! Or Shit, Maybe Just Colorado or Stay in Iowa ... Really, We'll Do Whatever Makes us the Most Money!
DES MOINES (Dec 1) - I'm a business man, Tool fan, and father -- IN THAT ORDER (sorry kids). I've spent over a decade growing RAYGUN. We have 4 Midwestern stores, a printing and production facility, and employ 70 people to sell American-made products. I was born and raised in Des Moines and moved back to steadily expand without taking money from any city, county, or state. I am so proud of what RAYGUN has built and am so proud to announce: WE'RE MOVING TO MEXICO!!! (CUE THE MARIACHI BAND)! Or maybe we'll move to Canada! Shit, maybe we'll move to Colorado. But there's a chance that we'll stay in Iowa.
We are loyal. Committed. We've been driven by the desire to give back to the state, region, and country that has given us so much. And now it's time for that state, region, or country to fucking pony up and give me what I want!
According to Indiana's Carrier deal: NOT moving to Mexico is worth about $7,000 per job ($7,000,000 for 1,000 jobs). By that math ($7k x 70), Iowa owes us $500,000 just for sticking around.
However, my homeland -- the Hawkeye state! -- has done better. WAY better. Iowa "won" the chance to give an Egyptian fertilizer plant $1,400,000,000 for about 165 jobs. A whopping $21,000 per job, meaning RAYGUN may clear $1,500,000 from Iowa. I'd never have to work again!
Quick question: does that only apply to Egyptians?
But why stop at state and country? There's more money for hard-working job-creators like me who work and work and work while 50% of this country just takes something for nothing!
Here in Central Iowa, when Kum & Go moved from Dallas County to Polk County, they were promised roughly $10,000,000 in incentives. And when Holmes-Murphy moved a few miles from West Des Moines to neighboring Waukee, they took home over $3,000,000 in public money.
So I would like to make clear to Des Moines, Polk County, Iowa, AND America that we are definitely maybe moving to Mexico or Canada or Colorado or Illinois or West Des Moines or Dallas County. We would love to stay put. But gol-darnit, this economic climate is just so tough. There are so many variables to think about. Money is not our only concern! We love this place! We love America. We just want to contribute but need a couple contributions first.
You can reach me at 515-288-1323 with your offers. Make checks payable to "RAYGUN LLC." Thank you.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
I think I'm going to end up liking the next 4 years. You'll be able to tell by the smile on my face ... as I drive a custom Maserati.
.... from RAYGUN: