RAYGUN Theatre: Budget Homework
Scene: It's a late Tuesday night, April 25th, in the Oval Office. Mike Pence is at the computer. Microsoft Word is open, half a page has been typed. Donald Trump is standing over his shoulder, licking the Doritos residue from his fingers and pacing a little bit.
TRUMP (staring out the window): Could we finish it over recess tomorrow?
PENCE: No, we don't have recess on Wednesdays, it's early out for golf. Besides, Donald, this thing is due first thing in the morning, and it's pretty important!
TRUMP: It's gotta be a full page?! Jesus Christ!
PENCE: I know, I know.
TRUMP (turning suddenly): What if we just bump the font up to 18 point!
PENCE: Yes! .... Wait, the instructions say it has to be 12 point.
TRUMP (angrily throwing his empty bag of Cool Ranch's on the floor): Dammit!! Why did they make doing government so hard?!
PENCE: Wait, what if I just double-spaced it, bumped some margins way over, and added some titles?
TRUMP: Can we do that?
PENCE (checking the instructions).
TRUMP: What does the talking paper clip say we should do?
PENCE (still reading): They got rid of the paper clip. (Then finishing reading the instructions) YES! it only says that it has to be, quote, '12 point font,' 'be AT LEAST 1 page,' and 'propose a restructure for the country's entire income stream and tax structure!'
TRUMP: AWESOME! Let's bump up that spacing and call it a night!
PENCE (typing furiously, space bar! space bar! tab tab tab, click, click): There it is! A full page!
TRUMP: DO-NALD FIRST! DO-NALD FIRST!
PENCE: You did it! Tax reform is done!!
TRUMP: And in UNDER 100 days!
PENCE: Let's say we celebrate by getting you another bag of Cool Ranch's big guy?
TRUMP: Uh, YEAH. Party size!
Trump and Pence high five and exit.