RAYGUN Theatre: Budget Homework

Scene: It's a late Tuesday night, April 25th, in the Oval Office. Mike Pence is at the computer. Microsoft Word is open, half a page has been typed. Donald Trump is standing over his shoulder, licking the Doritos residue from his fingers and pacing a little bit. 

TRUMP (staring out the window): Could we finish it over recess tomorrow?

PENCE: No, we don't have recess on Wednesdays, it's early out for golf. Besides, Donald, this thing is due first thing in the morning, and it's pretty important! 

TRUMP: It's gotta be a full page?! Jesus Christ! 

PENCE: I know, I know. 

TRUMP (turning suddenly): What if we just bump the font up to 18 point! 

PENCE: Yes! .... Wait, the instructions say it has to be 12 point.

TRUMP (angrily throwing his empty bag of Cool Ranch's on the floor): Dammit!! Why did they make doing government so hard?!

PENCE: Wait, what if I just double-spaced it, bumped some margins way over, and added some titles?

TRUMP: Can we do that?

PENCE (checking the instructions).

TRUMP: What does the talking paper clip say we should do?

PENCE (still reading): They got rid of the paper clip. (Then finishing reading the instructions) YES! it only says that it has to be, quote, '12 point font,' 'be AT LEAST 1 page,' and 'propose a restructure for the country's entire income stream and tax structure!'

TRUMP: AWESOME! Let's bump up that spacing and call it a night!

PENCE (typing furiously, space bar! space bar! tab tab tab, click, click): There it is! A full page! 


PENCE: You did it! Tax reform is done!! 

TRUMP: And in UNDER 100 days! 

PENCE: Let's say we celebrate by getting you another bag of Cool Ranch's big guy?

TRUMP: Uh, YEAH. Party size!

Trump and Pence high five and exit.