The RAYGUN Guide To: Starting Conversations At 2016 Holiday Gatherings.
With the presidential election being such a large topic for such a long time, we may have forgotten how to make casual chit-chat that doesn't hinge around things like "the wall" or "pussy grabbing" or "lock her up" or "Cheeto Jesus." That could lead to more than a few awkward holiday dinner exchanges.
We at RAYGUN are here to help! Now, we're not looking to bridge the national divide or anything. We're just trying to assist in squeezing out a few cordial hours between the uncle with an "All Lives Matter" FB profile picture and his brother's safety-pin-wearing son.
Below, we have a few appropriate intros you could use, then examples of pitfalls that could be laying in wait.
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#1 APPROPRIATE INTRO: WEATHER
"So warm again today! This winter has been so mild, I'm just glad the kids can get outside and play later into the year."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"So warm again today! This winter has been so mild, I hope all the climate-change deniers enjoy extra outside time before we're all suffering inside a baking atmosphere, fighting over a dwindling food and water supply."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"So warm again today! This winter has been so mild, but I should point out that seasonal differences come and go, but climate change is definitely a hoax invented by the Chinese."
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#2 APPROPRIATE INTRO: DESSERT
"I made a delicious chocolate mousse and added some crushed pecans to the crust. Just didn't want the nuts to surprise anyone who's allergic."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"I made a delicious chocolate mousse and added some crushed pecans to the crust. Just didn't want anyone to be surprised by them like they were surprised by all the nuts who voted for Trump."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"I made a delicious chocolate mousse and added some crushed pecans to the crust. Just didn't want anyone to be surprised by them like you may be surprised by nuts in the ladies' room under Dictator Obama's America."
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#3 APPROPRIATE INTRO: WARDROBE MALFUNCTION
"Oh no, I tore the crotch of my slacks." ... "Do you want my safety pin?" ... "Sure, thanks!
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"Oh no, I tore the crotch of my slacks." ... "Do you want my safety pin?" ... "No, I'd rather let my junk hang out than look like some liberal pussy."
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#4 APPROPRIATE INTRO: COFFEE
"I stopped at Starbucks and got coffee. Just thought it was a nice gesture to show how much I appreciate time with friends and family."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"I stopped at Starbucks and got coffee. Sorry these holiday cups push Christian hegemony. I drew a Star of David and Pride Flag onto the cup for a little diversity."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"I stopped at Starbucks and got coffee. Sorry these holiday cups subvert the true meaning of Christmas. I drew a Santa Claus flying a crucifix onto the cup to compensate."
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#5 APPROPRIATE INTRO: CUP MALFUNCTION
"Oh no, that coffee cup is leaking. I'll get you a new one!"
INAPPROPIRATE LEFT:
"Oh no, that coffee cup is leaking! Julian Assange must have a personal vendetta against it and is working with Russian spies in an effort to get you to use a more erratic and possibly racist cup."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"Oh no, that coffee cup is leaking! If Bernie Sanders were here he'd steal a coffee cup from a hard-working American and give it to you."
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#6 APPROPRIATE INTRO: SPORTS
"Hey, football's on! Quite a few first-year quarterbacks have done well so far. That Carson Wentz seems like a nice guy."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"Hey, football's on! Why not watch a group of sexual assailants play sports since we already watched a sexual assailant get elected PRESIDENT?!"
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"Hey, footballs' on! You know, a lot of people are saying Colin Kaepernick has joined ISIS."
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#7 APPROPRIATE INTRO: FRESH BREATH
"I've got Tic-Tacs. In case those potatoes had too much garlic."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"I've got Tic-Tacs. In case you want fresh breath before you force yourself onto an unsuspecting woman and then run for president."
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#8 APPROPRIATE INTRO: LEAVES
"These leaves are really turning colors this year."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"The leaves are really turning colors this year. As they die. And fall. Reminds me of the American Dream."
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#9 APPROPRIATE INTRO: AFTERNOON MOVIE
"Should we all see a movie together after lunch?" ... "Sure, let's vote on one!"
INAPPROPIRATE LEFT:
"Should we all see a movie together after lunch?" ... "Sure, let's vote on one!" ... "Great, we can vote on our favorite but then see whatever the Electoral College picks!"
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#10 APPROPRIATE INTRO: HEALTH
"I had a little bit of a cold earlier this month. It was going around the kids' school."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"I had a little bit of a cold earlier this month. It made me so thankful that so many people have health insurance thanks to president Obama, and so sad that it will be taken away and millions left to die cold and alone under Cheeto Jesus."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"I had a bit of a cold earlier this month. Back when this country was great, no one ever got sick."
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#11 APPROPRIATE INTRO: HOME RENOVATION
"We're finally re-doing our patio! So first thing this spring we can have you all over for a cookout."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"We're finally re-doing our patio! We wanted to stay ahead of the deportation squads."
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#12 APPROPRIATE INTRO: HEADING HOME
"Has anyone seen my jacket? Wanted to throw it on since it's getting a little chilly."
INAPPROPRIATE LEFT:
"Has anyone seen my jacket? It's got the 'Pussy Grabs Back' button on it."
INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT:
"Has anyone seen my jacket? It seems to have disappeared like Hillary's e-mails."
... And just in case anyone needs reminders during the holiday event itself, we've rolled out a line of Kitchen Towels and Coasters:
